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The Medical Gaslighting Decoder for Black Women

Twelve phrases doctors use, what they actually mean, and exactly what to say back.

By Dr. Jennifer Taylor Menda, LAc, DAC · Five Element Method

Overview

What this is.

If you have ever sat in your car after an appointment, holding a piece of paper that said your labs were normal while your body kept telling you something was wrong, this is for you.

You are not crazy. You are not exaggerating. You are not "too much." You are a woman whose body knows what it knows, sitting in a system that was not built to listen.

This decoder is a record of twelve phrases I have watched dismiss too many of my patients before they ever found their way to me. Each one comes with what it usually means underneath the words, exactly what to say back, and a small piece of advocacy worth knowing before you leave the room.

Phrases Decoded

Scripts to Say Back

9 min

To Read

How to Read This

Three parts per phrase.

Every entry follows the same structure. You can read straight through, or jump to the phrase you heard in your last appointment.

What it really means. The pattern under the words.
What to say back. A script you can read aloud, or take into the next appointment on paper.
Worth knowing before you go. One specific piece of advocacy — a test to ask for, a question to ask, a right you can claim.

Foundation

The context this sits inside.

To be a Negro in this country and to be relatively conscious is to be in a rage almost all the time.

James Baldwin

Here is an example of one of the phrases.

Phrase 01

Your labs are normal.

−

What it really means

Standard lab ranges are wide, and they were built on populations that did not always look like you. "Normal on paper" can still mean depleted in a body. A basic panel often misses what a fuller picture would catch.

What to say back

I hear you that the numbers are inside the normal range. I am not feeling normal in my body. Can we look at the trend over time, and is there anything more specific we can test for what I am describing?

Worth knowing before you go

If you have fatigue, hair changes, or weight shifts, ask whether a full thyroid panel would be helpful. A basic thyroid test usually only checks one number (TSH). A full panel adds two more (free T3 and free T4). For energy and iron, ask about ferritin, which is your iron stores, not just hemoglobin. You do not need to memorize these. Just write them down and ask.

Read the Other Eleven

Dr. Jennifer Taylor Menda

LAc · DAC · Five Element Method

Eleven more phrases. Eleven more responses.

Where should I send the rest of the decoder, plus my seasonal letters on body sovereignty, healing justice, and the medicine your labs cannot read?

Part Two

The other eleven.

Each one follows the same structure: what the phrase usually means underneath the words, what you can say back, and what is worth knowing before you walk out of the room.

Phrase 02

It is probably just stress.

What it really means

Stress is real, and it does land in the body. But "just stress" is often a placeholder when no investigation has happened yet. Stress can be part of the picture without being the whole picture.

What to say back

Stress may be part of this. Before we settle there, can you walk me through what else could be causing these symptoms, and what we would test to rule those out? I would like that noted in my chart.

Worth knowing before you go

Asking your doctor to document in your chart what they considered (and ruled out) is one of the most powerful things you can do. It creates a paper trail. If something is missed, that record matters.

Phrase 03

Have you tried losing weight?

What it really means

This is the reflex prescription for a Black woman in pain, fatigue, or asking about fertility. It is rarely paired with a real workup. Weight is connected to health, but it is not a diagnosis for the symptom you walked in with.

What to say back

I came in for this specific symptom. I would like you to address that first, on its own. If weight becomes part of the conversation later, we can revisit it. Right now I need help with what I am here for.

Worth knowing before you go

You are allowed to redirect the appointment back to the reason you came. You can also ask, "Would you give the same advice to a thinner woman with these exact symptoms?" That question alone often shifts the room.

Phrase 04

Periods are supposed to hurt.

What it really means

Some discomfort is common. Pain that doubles you over, makes you vomit, soaks a pad in an hour, or sends you home from work is not normal. Black women are diagnosed late with fibroids and endometriosis in part because of this exact phrase.

What to say back

What I am describing is not regular cramping. It interrupts my life. Can we look at this with imaging and rule out fibroids or endometriosis? If you do not think that is needed, I would like a referral to a gynecologist who can take a closer look.

Worth knowing before you go

A pelvic ultrasound is the simple imaging test that can show fibroids. Endometriosis often does not show up on imaging at all and may need a specialist referral. You do not need to know the difference. You just need to know you can ask for both.

Phrase 05

That is just part of getting older.

What it really means

Aging is real. Symptoms that show up suddenly or interrupt your sleep, your bowels, your cycle, or your thinking have a cause. Age is a context. It is not a diagnosis.

What to say back

I understand my body is changing. I am asking what specifically is driving this and what we can rule out. Would you order the same workup for a younger woman with these symptoms? If yes, I would like that workup.

Worth knowing before you go

The phrase "the same workup you would order for a younger woman" is one of the most useful sentences you can carry into a doctor's office. It checks for age bias without an argument.

Phrase 06

You are young and healthy.

What it really means

Age is a poor screen for serious illness. Young Black women die of conditions doctors did not investigate because they assumed youth was protective.

What to say back

I am young. Something has changed. I am asking you to take this seriously and to write what I am describing in my chart today. If you decide a workup is not needed, I would like that decision and your reasoning written down too.

Worth knowing before you go

You have the right to request that any doctor's decision not to test or treat is documented in your chart, with their reasoning. Most doctors will not refuse this. The act of asking changes the conversation.

Phrase 07

You are just anxious.

What it really means

Anxiety can look like many physical conditions, and many physical conditions can look like anxiety. Thyroid issues, low iron, heart rhythm changes, and hormonal shifts can all feel like anxiety. Anxiety as the final answer requires the rest to be ruled out first.

What to say back

Anxiety might be part of this, but I want to make sure we are not missing something else first. Things like thyroid issues, low iron, or hormonal shifts can feel a lot like anxiety. Can we test for those before we settle on anxiety as the answer?

Worth knowing before you go

If you have racing heart or palpitations, ask whether a holter monitor (a small heart-rhythm recorder you wear for a day or two) would be helpful. If you have unexplained fatigue or panic-like episodes, the thyroid panel and iron stores from #1 apply here too.

Phrase 08

Let us wait and see.

What it really means

Sometimes appropriate. Often a delay. Watching is a real strategy when it has a plan. Without one, it is just waiting.

What to say back

I am open to monitoring this. Can we be clear about what we are watching for? What symptoms would mean we need to do more, and what timeline are we on? I would like to book the next available follow-up before I leave today, even if it is months out, and to know what symptoms should send me in sooner.

Worth knowing before you go

Provider shortages are real. In many places, the next available follow-up is three to six months out. Take the appointment anyway, even that far out. You can always cancel if you do not need it. Ask if the practice keeps a cancellation list so you can get a closer slot if one opens up. Then ask the doctor to write in your chart what specific symptoms should send you to urgent care or the ER before that follow-up. That way you do not lose the plan if your body changes faster than the calendar.

Phrase 09

That pain level seems a little high.

What it really means

This is a quiet accusation that you are exaggerating. Black women's pain is consistently undertreated, and the studies on this go back decades.

What to say back

I am the only person in this room inside this body. The pain is what I am telling you it is. I am asking you to treat the pain and find out what is causing it. Please write my pain level in my chart as I described it.

Worth knowing before you go

The 0-to-10 pain scale is the most common shorthand. If saying a number feels strange, describe what it stops you from doing. "I cannot drive," "I cannot sleep," "I had to leave work" are concrete and harder to dismiss than a number.

Phrase 10

Some women just have a higher pain tolerance.

What it really means

This is the polite version of a much older phrase. "Some women" is often code for Black women specifically, and the belief traces directly back to experiments performed on enslaved Black women without anesthesia in nineteenth-century American medicine. That myth still shapes how Black women's pain is treated today. Most doctors will not say "Black women" out loud. They will say "some women," or "your kind of patient," or nothing at all and just undertreat you. Naming what is actually being said stops the sentence in its tracks.

What to say back

When you say "some women," I want to name what that often means. That belief has been used to undertreat Black patients for a long time, and the research does not back it up. I would like the same care and the same pain management you would offer any other patient with my symptoms.

Worth knowing before you go

If a comment like this lands in the room, you can ask for it (and your response) to be added to your chart. You can also ask to see a different provider. You are not required to finish the appointment with someone who has said this to you.

Phrase 11

You are so strong, you can handle this.

What it really means

This is the Strong Black Woman script weaponized inside a medical setting. Praise for your endurance is not the same thing as treatment for your symptoms.

What to say back

I am here because I should not have to handle this alone. I am asking for medical care, not encouragement. What is the next step, and when can we schedule it?

Worth knowing before you go

"What is the next step?" is a complete sentence. You do not have to soften it, justify it, or apologize for asking it.

Phrase 12

Maybe it is hormonal.

What it really means

Hormones are a reasonable thing to consider. They are not a conclusion. "Hormonal" without testing is a conversation closer dressed up as a diagnosis.

What to say back

If you suspect it is hormonal, can we test it? I would like a hormone panel done at the right time in my cycle, and a thyroid panel as well. If your office does not offer that, can you refer me to someone who does?

Worth knowing before you go

A hormone panel usually checks several hormones together: estrogen, progesterone, and others. The timing in your cycle matters because hormone levels shift week to week. If you still cycle, ask which day of your period to schedule the blood draw. You do not have to know the answer. You just have to know it is the right question.

Reference · About the Author

Dr. Jennifer Taylor Menda

DAC · LAc · CCMH · Founder, The Five Element Method

Hey love. I am Dr. Jennifer Taylor Menda. Born in 84, raised on Maxwell and Mary J, with a Doctor of Acupuncture degree that arrived after years in cancer biology research.

I built and ran a well-oiled six-room acupuncture clinic in Southern Maryland for five years. The phrases in this decoder are not theoretical. They are the real things real women told me they heard from real doctors, in real exam rooms, before they ever found their way to my table.

My whole practice is about giving sovereignty back to women who have been gaslit out of their own bodies. You cannot heal a body you have been taught to distrust. I show women the holes in their wellness protocols and reveal just how capable their body already is.

Before You Go

If something here named your life.

This decoder is the floor, not the ceiling. If you read something that landed in your body, here is what to do next:

Save this page or print the phrases that apply to your last appointment
Write the scripts on an index card and take them with you
Ask your doctor to document in your chart what they considered and ruled out
If you have been gaslit enough times that starting over feels heavier than the symptoms, book a free advocacy call below

Free 30-minute advocacy call. No pitch. We will talk through what you are dealing with, what kind of provider would actually serve your body, and how to walk into the next appointment with your sovereignty intact.

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